Disobedience can cost a child’s life. If a mother said “run!” to her child when she saw a car headed in their direction but the child disobeys, it can cost him his health and life.
Less dramatically, disobedient children are simply unpleasant. They can be rude, rowdy, bullies – if they’re disobedient, naturally children will gravitate towards negative values. Because that is what obedience precisely is for – training us to do right things that often feel hard or unpleasant.
Obedience is an important value to instill in children. But how about when they grow up and have become adults? What does the bible say about it?
Table of Contents
- What does the Bible say about how you should treat your parents?
- Why is obeying your parents important in the Bible?
- Do we have to be obedient to our parents forever?
- Why do we need to honor our parents?
- What if my parents are unloving or irresponsible?
- How can we honor our parents?
What does the Bible say about how you should treat your parents?
The Ten Commandments lay out how to treat our parents as the fifth commandment in Exodus 20: Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you (ESV).
The first four commandments are about how we interact with God and right after that is this fifth commandment about honoring our father and mother. This top position that God allocates for parents speaks of the importance of parents in our lives. They are every human’s first relationship in life and they shape how we become as we grow up.
So honor is the principle that God gives as an absolute, regardless of the different temperaments, conditions, and complexity of all parent-child relationships. The word used in the ten commandments is honor.
But the New Testament expands on how we should treat our parents. Ephesians 6:1-3: Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land (ESV).
Paul applies the fifth commandment to children in the form of obedience. In verse 2, he says to honor your father and mother. When we are young children, we are called to obey our parents, but when we mature into adults, we have to honor our parents.
Why is obeying your parents important in the Bible?
To understand this, we need to look at what the Bible calls parents to do. Eph 6:4 says Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (ESV).
This verse sums up the two big tasks of every parent: to discipline and instruct. Discipline here means to train someone, punish when needed, and keep them accountable. Instruct refers to counsel. These are the two roles that parents need to fill to raise children up so that one day they can thrive independently.
As our authority, our parents must require obedience from us, because obedience keeps us safe. Children know little about right and wrong and what’s good or bad in the long run. That’s one reason why we need to obey. They know better and they have our best interests. If our parents ask us not to put our finger in an electrical socket, it’s because they don’t want us to be harmed.
In the bigger picture, requiring obedience from children will lead to obedience to other authorities such as church leadership, the government, and ultimately, God. The Bible calls us to be submissive to authorities (Titus 3:1) and elders (1 Peter 5:5). If we don’t know how to obey our parents, it would be hard for us to obey others.
This is confirmed in the book of Proverbs. Prov 1:7-9: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. Obedience to parents will train us to fear the Lord.
Most importantly, the Apostle Paul says that the ultimate goal of the gospel is to “bring about the obedience of faith” (Rom 1:15). Parents are placed as God’s representative in the world. That’s why children need to be first trained to obey their parents. Then, they will learn to obey God.
Prov 1:7-9 a foolish man does not seek to
Do we have to be obedient to our parents forever?
The Bible requires us to honor our parents forever. While this means obedience when we are children, this doesn’t seem to always apply when we have grown into adults.
Matthew 19:5, among other bible verses, say that a man must leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Parents are given the authority by God to raise and train children up so that they become less and less dependent and one day could start their own families.
Our relationships with our parents change when we grow up and become adults. When we are mature, we’ll start to see the faults in our parents and their thinking. The values that they teach may not be right and we can disagree respectfully. That’s why obey is a command that is aimed at young children. For the rest of us, we are called to honor our parents.
Our relationship and dynamics with our parents aren’t always simple and that’s probably why the bible uses the word honor instead of other words such as love, enjoy, trust. Because the truth is, some parents are not dependable, trustworthy, or pleasant to be with.
But no matter their characters, God commands us to honor them.
Why do we need to honor our parents?
The Bible explains why we should honor our parents in Eph 6:1-3: for this is right. It is the correct thing to do. We are brought unto this world through our parents’ union and they are the first tangible authority that God puts in our lives. Young children depend on their parents’ wisdom and instruction to live and thrive. That is why we need to obey them – it is right.
Eph 6:4 continues to say that honoring our parents so that it may go well with us and
What if my parents are unloving or irresponsible?
The commandment is laid out as a principle that applies to all, so this includes unloving and even evil parents. Honoring our parents will not always be easy – that’s why it’s a command. If loving our parents is an easy and natural thing to do, God will not give this as a command.
Even the most loving, wise, and well-intentioned parents have their faults but we are still called to honor them.
How can we honor our parents?
If we don’t have to obey them, how can we practically honor our parents? Honoring parents look very different in different relationships, but here are some ways we can honor our parents.
Taking care of them
This will look different in different cultures. Eastern families may not say “I love you” like Western families do, but they may show this through actions: by buying their favorite food, accompanying them in their errands, helping out with their business.
I live far from my parents after I got married, but I still do most of my parent’s online shopping. They are not technologically savvy and although it takes time and effort to do so, this is my way of supporting them.
Some parents require financial support from their children. They made many sacrifices raising us, so it is fitting for us to help them financially. In Mark 7:9-13 Jesus rebuked the Pharisees for not caring for their parents.
We can also honor our parents by supporting them emotionally. They are humans who go through different phases in life too, and we can love them by lending a listening ear to their problems and victories. Celebrate with them through the good times and provide support when they are struggling emotionally.
Before Jesus went on the cross, he asked John to take care of Mary and treat her as his own mother. This shows how Jesus cares for his earthly mother.
Share your time and involve them in our lives.
Most parents appreciate the quality time spent together with their children. Sharing our time and building memories together with parents can bring joy to their lives.
Accompany them in their daily life. If you live far from your parents, you can call them frequently and share your lives virtually. If you have children, share their pictures and carve out time for your children to spend with your parents.
Give them proper credit and gratitude
When we grow up well and succeed in some areas of life, we should give our parents credit. Respect that parents need to see themselves in us. If you’re a good investor, tell your mom “thank you for teaching me how to save and for showing me how to manage my finances properly.” That is one great way to honor your parents.
We can also do this publicly, by saying good things about them in conversations with our friends or formal settings like speeches.
Forgive them
Some of us have parents that are unloving, unwise, and not dependable. Some are responsible but critical and discouraging. They may make us feel unlovable.
Whatever their faults are, we should strive to forgive them. They are human parents and we cannot tie our self-worth with their approval or their love. Some parents simply cannot do that.
Instead, we can seek unconditional love from God, our true and perfect Father. His unconditional love satisfies us and with it, we can be free to honor our parents. Blaming them for our dysfunctions won’t get us anywhere and expecting them to change may only lead to disappointment.
Sources:
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/honor-the-parents-god-gave-you
Tim Keller’s sermon: parents and children
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/parents-require-obedience-of-your-children
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/ten-biblical-truths-on-the-obedience-of-children
